When two people decide to get married, they usually have many things in common. They probably became interested in each other because they liked doing similar things—perhaps church related, sports, a common interest in some field of study or job opportunity, etc. For many couples, they spent time together doing some of those things they both liked. Even if one had a particular interest that the other did not enjoy, they probably made the effort to join their friend, because they wanted to spend time together. Perhaps the guy liked rugby, so the girl pretended that she loved rugby also and accompanied him to his games; and perhaps the girl loved musical concerts, which the boy hated, but because he wanted to impress her, he joined her and pretended he loved it.
However, what often happens after the wedding is that whatever effort they were making before goes by the wayside, and they only do what they are really interested in. As a result, sometimes couples begin drifting apart, spending less and less time together. This can be detrimental to their relationship as they each spend more time with other people and less time together.
What can a couple do so that they don’t continue drifting apart? One thing that they can do is to try to find new areas of interest to both of them—try something new. We can illustrate it in this way:
Each spouse has a circle that represents areas of interest, the things that they like to do. You can imagine that the first set of circles overlap some—the overlapped sections represent what the two of them both enjoy doing. Perhaps they both enjoy church activities, and they enjoy watching movies together, for example. However, he likes to play soccer and basketball, and he runs every morning for exercise—none of which she likes to do. She enjoys reading novels, writing poems and listening to music—none of which he enjoys doing. So, what’s the solution?
A second set of circles represents what it looks like when they begin trying new things. She could begin going to watch her husband play soccer and basketball on occasion and cheer for him. She could also suggest that, instead of running every day, which she hates, they could sometimes go for a brisk walk together. He agrees to do this a couple of times a week, so they have some time doing something together they both enjoy and even have some time to talk. He enjoys singing at church, so perhaps they could begin practicing some songs at home together.
In addition to trying to do some things that one of the partners enjoys, they could also begin trying new things that neither of them has done before. Perhaps they could try riding bicycles together for exercise; or they could go to a park and have a picnic. Maybe they could begin writing a Sunday school curriculum together. In this way, they begin building a list of things that they can enjoy doing together. Be creative and talk to other people to get new ideas of things to try.
Some spouses have a ministry that they work on together, such as teaching a class together, visiting the sick and elderly, volunteering at a school together, getting involved in a prison ministry together. Working together for a cause with a common goal helps to build the “oneness”. Perhaps you could even start a business that you both are involved in.
This is one way that you can protect your “oneness” with your spouse. Spending time together doing something that you both enjoy is a wonderful way to get to know one another better and to build your intimacy.