One of the biggest things that cause separation and divorce in marriage is the sexual differences between husbands and wives. Men think that their wives should have the same sexual needs and desires that they have. Women can’t understand how their husbands feel about sex. Failure to communicate with one another about their sexual needs and thoughts leads to a breakdown in marriage. Let us consider some of the differences and why they cause problems in marriage.
Most husbands have a stronger sex need than their wives.
The only reason known for this difference is that God saw that it was the husband’s role to “sow the seed” into his wife so that she would get pregnant. If his need is not great, then he will not want to have sex often or even at all.
A husband with a strong desire cannot understand why his wife doesn’t have the very same strong desire. He may think that he married a bad or cold wife. Or he may believe that she has another lover. His wife can’t understand why her husband has such a strong need for sex. She may accuse him of being like an animal. The problem is that they were created differently with different sexual needs. If they can have a good discussion about their differences, they can compromise to solve their problem.
Husbands can complete the sex act quickly, but most wives take longer.
Some husbands, who either do not understand their wives or who do not care about pleasing their wives, selfishly please only themselves sexually. By doing this they rob themselves of the greatest blessing of the intimacy and love in marriage. Also, it causes the wife to feel used instead of loved. It causes her to refuse to have sex with her husband because she knows she will not receive pleasure. This type of sexual relationship erodes the love in marriage and can lead to separation and divorce. By communicating about their sexual needs, a couple can learn how to please each other sexually.
Husbands are capable of sex even when angry or frustrated. Women are not.
A husband may feel that the best way to solve an argument with his wife is just to have sex. That frees his mind and heart of tension and frustration. A wife cannot enjoy sex when she is angry or upset. A smart husband learns to read the emotions of his wife and help her solve her problem of anger by either apologizing for a mistake he made or by listening to her talk about her anger or frustrations. Paul said,
“Be angry but do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26)
Husbands are more sexually aroused by what they see while wives are stimulated sexually by their emotions.
Jesus spoke to that very thing.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that if a man looks at a woman and wants to sin sexually with her, he has already committed that sin with her in his mind. If your right eye makes you sin, take it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body than to have your whole body thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:27-29).
We discussed pornography in section 5.3.1.4. The reason it is such a huge business is that men have a hard time controlling their eyes. Job had a solution. He said,
“I made a sacred promise with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.”
Wives are turned on sexually more by kind deeds from their husbands such as helping with the children, helping at home, gestures of gentleness and kindness. Someone said that sex starts early in the morning by the kindness and goodness a couple shows to each other.
It is good for a husband to see his wife naked. But his eyes should only be for her and no other woman. It is good for a wife to feel the love and kindness of her husband and her attention should be only to him.