Having conflict is not the real problem in marriage—the real problem is not dealing with conflict in a healthy manner. It is not good when one person dominates the other one and always gets their way; or when one of them shouts and intimidates the other one. Couples need to learn to sit together and discuss their problem calmly. Below are some guidelines to help make that happen.
SIT DOWN AND FACE ONE ANOTHER
As Paul admonishes in Ephesians 4:26, the problem should be dealt with, if at all possible, before going to bed. Both spouses need to sit (it is much easier to control one’s temper while seated) and they should face each other in a respectful manner. The enemy is not your spouse, the enemy is the issue you’re discussing; the two of you are on the same side trying to solve the issue. It might be helpful to place an object on a table in front of you and name it as the issue you’re trying to solve; then brainstorm together to come up with ways to deal with that issue. Remember, you’re on the same team!
If you realize that you are too angry to settle down and talk calmly, ask for a break for a few minutes. Go outside and take a brisk walk, or hoe in your garden, or do some other strenuous work to get rid of the excess energy that has built up in your anger. When you feel calmer, go back and get on with the business of resolving the conflict.
FIND A PRIVATE PLACE
When the two of you are discussing an issue, find a place where you can sit alone, just the two of you. Remember, you are one body (Matthew 19:5-6) and no one else should come between you. No one else should even know what you are discussing. Your children may know that there is a problem between the two of you—children are very perceptive—but they don’t need to know what the issue is. After you have solved the matter, they will see that all is well again, and they’ll be relieved. Your parents should not get involved; parents often take the side of their child and gang up on the in-law. Don’t let this happen. Honor your spouse in front of your parents, and don’t let them criticize your spouse in your presence.
There may come a time in your marriage when you feel that you have a problem so difficult that you aren’t able to solve it by yourselves, then you could agree together to go to a counselor (not a family member) and get some help. Make sure that this person agrees to keep your issue confidential. However, with most problems you will be able to deal with the issue by yourselves.
WATCH LANGUAGE AND TONE
As you’re engaged in a discussion, don’t forget to watch your language. Remember what Paul said in Ephesians 4:29:
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
This is a good motto for communication, and especially when there is conflict. Guard your tongue carefully, even when you are angry. Speak respectfully, and don’t allow any abusive language to enter into the conversation. If one person gets loud or abusive, call for a time-out and give them time to cool down; then get back to it.
Don’t forget that facial expression, body language and tone of voice also play a part in the discussion. In fact, as we said before in the lesson on communication, nonverbals communicate even more than your words. So be sure that your nonverbals are also respectful.
LISTEN ATTENTIVELY
When two people are in a heated discussion, each wants to be heard, but neither may be good at listening. A discussion will get nowhere unless each is actively listening to their partner. James says in James 1:19:
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Remember, God gave us two ears and only one mouth, so we need to use our ears twice as much as our mouths. It is helpful if the one who is listening repeats what their partner has said before answering. This assures that they heard correctly, and the speaker can know that they understood. Strive to understand your partner more than to be understood. You may find that your partner has some good ideas or opinions. It would even be good if you identify your partner’s feelings at the moment. You could say something like, “I can see that this really frustrates you” or “I can tell that you feel strongly about this issue.” If you can verbalize your partner’s feelings, they will feel heard and understood, and you will be able to come more quickly to a resolution.
USE “I” LANGUAGE
It is never helpful when discussing an issue to use accusatory language. This will only cause your spouse to take a defensive stance. Learn to use “I” language: say “I really miss the time we can be together and talk together after supper” instead of “You always come home so late that the children are already in bed and your supper is cold!” Let your partner see the pain in your heart, then they will be more likely to listen and be helpful. Soft feelings, like pain and sorrow, illicit a much softer response than the hard feelings of anger and irritation. Look inside yourself and discover what it is that you really want and how you could express it in a non-threatening way.
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
If you find that you can’t finish a discussion in one sitting—perhaps guests arrive, the children come in, or it’s too late and you’re both too tired to talk rationally—then agree together to postpone the conversation until another time. However, set the preferred time, and make sure that you keep it, barring an emergency. Then you call a truce, that is, you decide that you’ll live in peace with one another for now, since you know that the issue will be dealt with later.
Be creative in finding the right time. You may sit in your home, or you may take a walk to a park or a field, or you may sit outside under a tree. You might even discuss the issue as you drive in the car, if only the two of you are in the vehicle.