Parents often make mistakes when disciplining their children. The following seven directives will help you when you must discipline your children. Remember: The purpose of discipline is not simply to punish your child, but it is to cause him or her to change from disobedience to obedience.
THE CHILD MUST ALWAYS UNDERSTAND THE MISTAKE HE MADE AND WHY HE IS BEING PUNISHED.
Discipline does no good when the child doesn’t understand why she is being punished. Again, the purpose for discipline is to cause change for the better. If a child has not been told or does not understand the rules of the family, he cannot understand the rules, and so he will break those rules. Without teaching, discipline will not cause a child to change. My father would always take me to his bedroom and set me down and explain to me the mistake I had made. Once I understood my failure then he would spank me to reinforce what I had learned. Believe me, I did not want to repeat the offense.
My father never got angry with me, but he patiently taught me to do the right thing. I value his discipline because he did it in love to train me to be the person I am today. Often a parent will strike a child in anger. That teaches a child to be afraid, but it does not change his behavior for good.
“Teach children in a way that fits their needs, and even when they are old they will not leave the right path.” (Prov 22:6)
DISCIPLINE MUST BE FAIR
As you well know, being a parent is not an easy job. It takes a lot of time and patience. Deciding to be a parent is a wonderful thing. Some of life’s greatest rewards come from our children. Children are a blessing when they learn to be obedient. But children who are not disciplined are like a curse. The job of parents is to decide what kind of discipline should be given to the child so that she will learn to obey. There are many kinds of discipline. You don’t always have to spank your child. Especially as children get older creative types of discipline should be used. Which method of discipline best fits the mistake? A parent sometimes needs to take time to think before giving discipline. You don’t want to be too harsh for a small mistake, neither do you want to treat a big mistake with too little discipline. Do your best to make the punishment fit the mistake.
One of the most important jobs that parents do is to instruct and discipline their children. Discipline proves to the child that his parents care enough about him to teach him what is right and what is wrong, to be a disciplined person.
“Correct your children whenever they are wrong, then you will always be proud of them. They will never make you ashamed.” (Prov. 29:17)
12.4.3 DISCIPLINE SHOULD BE CONSISTENT
The meaning of being consistent is to do something the same way over and over. If a child breaks a family rule, he must be disciplined. Every time he makes that mistake; he must be disciplined. Consistency seems hard but it is the easiest method because your child will change quickly and it won’t be necessary to continue disciplining for that particular mistake. Do not threaten a child that you are going to discipline him and then not do it. He will learn quickly that you are not consistent, and he will feel free to continue to break the rules. Always correct your children and they will quickly learn that they cannot get away with being disobedient.
“Always correct children when they need it. If you spank them, it will not kill them. In fact you might save their lives.” (Prov 23:13-14)
“Discipline your children while there is still hope. Avoiding it can be deadly.” (Proverbs 19:18)
TRY TO USE A FORM OF DISCIPLINE THAT MATCHES THE MISTAKE YOUR CHILD HAS MADE
Earlier we learned that deciding which type of discipline can be a hard job for parents. Once again, the purpose of discipline is for teaching a child so that correction is made in their behavior. Perhaps the teaching will stick more in a child’s mind if the discipline matches the mistake the child has made. Again, this takes some creative thinking from the parents. For example: your family rule is that the child must be home from school every day by 5 p.m. When your daughter comes home at 6 p.m. what should you do? You could tell her that every day for one week she must come home straight from school, and she cannot play with her friends. That punishment might hurt worse than a spanking. Or your son does not clean up his room. Maybe a good discipline would be that he must clean the whole house. A child is not likely to quickly forget a punishment that relates directly to his error.
“Children do foolish things, but if you punish them, they will learn not to do them.” (Prov 22:15)
THE DISCIPLINE CHOSEN SHOULD NOT HARM THE CHILD
Discipline must always hurt. As the old saying goes, “no pain, no gain.” When you instruct your child who has broken the rules, some form of punishment that causes them pain will reinforce what you have taught. Each child is different. One child may feel pain when he realizes how he has disappointed his parents. Another child may feel pain when he is not permitted to play with his friends. Pain can be physical or mental as in the examples of 12.4.4.
Some parents react in anger and beat a child so severely they break bones, bruise or cut the child. Any type of punishment that harms a child is child abuse. You do not have to beat a child to discipline him or her. You should try different types of discipline to see which ones work best for each of your children.
“We don’t enjoy discipline when we get it. It is painful. But later after we have learned our lesson from it, we will enjoy the peace that comes from doing what is right.” (Hebrews 12:11)
“Even children show what they are like by the things they do. You can see if their actions are pure and right.” (Prov 20:11)
WHEN YOU DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT FAVOR ONE OVER THE OTHERS
Jacob had 12 sons. His favorite was Joseph who was the son of Rachel, the wife that he loved so much. (Genesis 37) Jacob gave Joseph beautiful clothes to wear and treated him special. Joseph’s brothers hated him. They were jealous of the favoritism their father showed to Joseph. One day when Jacob sent Joseph to visit his brothers who were far away tending the sheep they saw their opportunity to get even with him. Some wanted to kill him, but they finally decided to sell him as a slave. They lied to their father telling him that Joseph had been killed. Later the family reunited and all was forgiven.
When parents love one child more than the others, or when they treat one child in a special way they create jealousy, hatred, and cause rivalry among the children. When two children are fighting, and one of them says the other one hit him first, don’t just discipline that one—they were both fighting, and they need to learn to solve their disagreements in a healthier way. They should both be punished in the same manner—perhaps made to sit in a room until they can forgive each other and shake hands.
DISCIPLINE SHOULD BE GIVEN BY SOMEONE WHO LOVES THE CHILD AND WHO IS LOVED BY THE CHILD
Discipline must always say, “I love you.” In the story we read earlier about Eli we saw that he did not love his boys enough to correct their mistakes. His failure cost his sons their lives. Rather than thinking you are doing a bad thing, you should look at the discipline you give your children to show them how much you love them. Sometimes parents will say, “I love my child too much to punish him.” It is just the opposite. Because I love my children, I discipline them. It is usually not very effective to discipline children with whom you don’t have a relationship.
In Hebrews 12:4-11 the writer tells us that God loves us and that is why he disciplines us. He says God’s discipline is like the discipline a father gives to his children.
“If you never receive the discipline that every child must have, you are not true children and don’t really belong to God.” (Hebrews 12:8)
“If you don’t correct your children, you don’t love them. If you love them, you will be quick to discipline them.” (Proverbs 13:24)