Forgiving someone does not always mean that you are going to see the changes that you hoped would occur. You have chosen to forgive but what about the other person? Let us examine some principles about what forgiveness is not.
- Not forgetting: Someone says, I thought that when you forgive someone you have to forget everything. You forget it in the sense that you do not continually think about it. But there is no way you can forget a wrong that someone has done to you. When Jesus was on the cross, He said, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:24). Jesus was suffering in great pain when He said these words. He certainly had not forgotten what those people had done to Him. Forgiveness does not mean that you forget all about it. Forgiveness means that you choose not to constantly remember it. As long as you live you will sometimes remember the sin done against you. That does not mean that you have not forgiven the person. In Genesis 45 Joseph chose to forgive his brothers for selling him as a slave. He had not forgotten the terrible wrong they did to him. But he chose to love his brothers and help them.
- Not reconciliation: Just because you forgive someone it does not mean that your relationship with that person will be restored. You may want to continue your relationship with them, but they may choose to separate from you.
- Not anger becoming less over time: Some people choose not to say anything when someone wrongs them. They keep quiet believing that as time passes forgiveness will automatically happen. That is not real forgiveness because the issues were not addressed and handled so that healing could happen.
- It does not depend on the offender saying I’m sorry: The one who did wrong to you may not know he did wrong, or he may not feel sorry for what he did. You could wait forever, and he might never apologize. Perhaps you should go to him directly and tell him what he did and then tell him you forgive him. It could be that the person who wronged you lives far away. Call them or write them a letter and pour out your pain and sorrow and forgiveness. Perhaps the one who wronged you has died but you are still burdened. Write them a long letter and let all your grief and tears flow onto the paper. Then tell them you forgive them. Burn the letter and be done with it.
- Not letting the offender escape consequences: A teacher may tell his students, “If you cheat on the exam, you will get a zero.” A student is caught cheating and asks to be forgiven. The teacher says, “I forgive you, but you still get a zero because you cheated.” God forgives us when we confess our sins. A girl who is sexually active with many men may repent and be forgiven but still get AIDS. You might forgive someone who wronged you, but they could still be imprisoned for the wrongs they did. It may be necessary for you to report to the authorities a wrong someone did. The offender will have to suffer the consequences of his sin. 2 Samuel 11 and 12 tell the story of King David’s terrible sins of lust, adultery, and murder. David said, “I have sinned against the Lord. Nathan replied, the Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die” (2 Samuel 12:13). Even though David repented of his sins with tears, he suffered tragedy. His son died and his family was divided.
- Forgiveness does not mean you trust the offender immediately. When trust is broken it takes time for healing to take place. It is like when a person breaks a bone in their arm. It may look ok on the outside, but healing takes time. If the offender is sincere in her apology, she will do everything she can to help you restore your trust in her. Slowly as the person proves their sorrow for the wrongs they did, trust can be gained again. Do not think that you haven’t really forgiven that person if you still have doubts about their sincerity. The brokenness you feel will take time to mend.